Thanks for your comments. I'll try to work on my weak points. You recommended me to write in a more formal way in the independent writing, I just don't know how to do this, the topic in the Minitest was about borrowing money from your friend, I wrote about a personal situations, even if they are fake, as I have to illustrate by examples, and also to increase the word count.
If I don't have any formal examples, how can I write that in a formal way. Or how can I fake examples to be in a formal way?
Dear Sandraatawfik, ...
thank you asking that question. By writing more formally, the rater meant using more formal language, like more nouns, instead of verbs. You should try to use longer and more complex structures, fewer phrasal verbs and no short forms. In this way the essay will be more formal.
I didn't really get what you say! What do you ...
I didn't really get what you say! What do you mean with using more nouns instead of verbs!! Isn't good to use phrasal verbs?! A more complex structure!? Could you please write some examples. (Related to the same topic of the writing, cause I need to compare.)
Dear Sandra, ...
I took a look at your essay and basically, what you need to work on is language use, that is where the problem comes from. To illustrate what was mean by making a writing more formal, I will give some examples:
(informal) ...sounds like fun... = (formal) ...sounds enjoyable
(informal) ...I've given money to...before... = (formal) I have landed money on a previous occasion...
(informal) ...there are loads of... = (formal) ...there is a wide variety...
(informal) ...I'm for... = (formal) ...I believe there are more advantages to...
Also, you should try to use a variety of types of sentences like:
- emphasis (It is the attitude afterwards that discourages me from giving money to friends.)
- inversion (Had I known her reaction would be of disrespect, I would never have given her the money...)
- participle clauses (Having learned from the experience, I have decided to never lend money to a friend.)
Those are only an example of all the types of complex sentences that you can use. The use of complex sentences, however, must not be at the expense of clarity.
Phrasal verbs - phrasal verbs are colloquial expression, which means that they are appropriate in speech, but should be avoided in formal writing, which this essay is. You should try to replace phrasal verbs in writing with their synonyms, for example:
-put off = postpone, discourage (depending on the context)
- call off = cancel
- touch down = land
- go on = continue
I hope I have given you an idea of what more formal and varied writing is.